On Prayer to a Sovereign God

So you say that you're praying for me.  Thanks.  But no thanks.  Because you see, I'm someone that really believes.  I believe that God is sovereign.  I believe that God preexists us and sits outside of time and space.  I actually believe the sort of sophomoric blather that you belch from time to time.  Things like "everything happens for a reason".  Really?  Then how can your prayer change what "happens for a reason"  unless the thing that happened for a reason was the prayer that you prayed? So in other words you didn't pray for me, you were doomed or predestined to pray for me, if you will, because I was me.  So why specifically did you pray for me?  And why specifically should I covet your foreordained prayer? You praying minx, you.

You see, from my perspective as a Reformed ex-Christian, the only prayer that makes any sense at all to God (and I know that marketing spins this differently) is "Thy will be done".  And essentially that's what all prayers are:  a praise to God that God will do what God will do anyway.  Which is cool unless God happens in his infinite wisdom, to be brutally fucking you.  Then when someone comes up to you and says "I'm prayin' for you, man" what they are really doing is rooting for God to get a bigger dildo.  Thanks bunches, gang.

The other reason that people pray is to avoid doing anything that would be hard or could cost them anything.  One of the most interesting things I've learned is that most of my Christian 'Friends' are really big on 'helping' so long as 'helping' involves slipping you a twenty or saying a prayer.  When it involves anything more they tend to blanch or turn 'helping' into manipulation - which feels a lot like God's mega dildo.  Either way the wonderful 'I'm prayin' for you, man" is anything but comforting.  My best real friends have all turned out to be non-Christians.  I guess because they don't pray m they actually have to do something in the here and now to demonstrate love.

So thanks for the prayers.  But if it's all the same to you I would prefer that you didn't mock or lie to me anymore. Send me a card - that at least demonstrates honest to God effort in a way that costs you something - and I can start a fire with it. Cost you more than the few puffs of breath you emit in saying "I'm praying for you man". You fraudulent minx, you.