This is part 2 of a multi-part story. Part 1 is here. Part 3 is here.
Sorry, I got a bit carried away by the higher dimensional geek world scenario which I'm really not interested in right now. Although I am trying very hard in my spare time to create a virtual world where every boss I've ever had and every girl that turned me down for date, kiss, hug, feel, etc. will inevitably get 'what's coming to them' and get it good and hard. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?
So anyway, back to Captain Perfecto - our perfect God. I'm interested in this notion of God's putative perfection because you may not have noticed but this world that He created is seriously fucked up. A long time ago I was a little concerned that He wasn't in the know so I told Him in a prayer and despite being the bearer of bad news I didn't get smote (smited?). So I guess it was old news and that he was getting hourly reports on the status of world perfection recovery efforts: "fucked up even more now, Lord", "still an absolute shambles, God", "Hitler just got born" and so on and so forth.
So how did it happen? How did the non-sinning, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient stands outside time and space God end up with such a crapulous cluster bump of a Universe? Was it a design flaw? Shortcuts in development? Incompetent contractors? Inadequate testing and issue management? Nope, nope, nope and nope. According to the Prime (God) it was user error. No, that's not right it was willful user error aka: sabotage. Hmmm.
So that raises the question: who was this 'user'? I mean to wreck an entire Universe the way this one has been screwed up he must be an absolute stud-muffin of wastage, the 007 of imperfection - "Bomb, James Bomb" so to speak. We understand his name was Adam'nEve or it may be that there were in fact two prime users: Adam and 'nEve which is hard to pronounce so we'll just call them "Damned Eve". It turns out that when you track back carefully through a series of front companies and cut outs that Damned Eve are in fact employees of Captain Perfecto - the perfect God, in fact His creations. It seems that Adam was created to be the cyber operator of creation's showroom also known as the "Garden of Eden" built I suppose, to showcase particularly appealing and advanced features of the Creation.
The story of how Eve got her job is a little more circuitous*. Apparently, during the launch and PR phase of Creation God spent a lot of time in the Eden showroom with Adam, most likely going through various demo procedures and policy decisions such as what to do when the lions attacked the wildebeest and so on and so forth. And it was during one of these discussions that Adam broached a ticklish subject:
"Hey God, when am I going to get to try this humping thing?"
"Humping wha???"
"Yeah, what the Dingos and Giraffes and Rabbits are doing all the time, they tell me that it's the reason they're alive and I don't get to do it. I mean I tried on you and you got mad so I guess I'm not supposed to".
"Ah, yes well...."
"So what about it, God, where do I get off, so to speak? I mean you've told everyone that I'm the boss and everything but they're all laughing at me behind my back"
"Well what exactly do you want?"
"I dunno, what should I have? I mean the sheep look kind of interesting, maybe something sheep like?"
"Weelllll, maybe not, how about I put you to sleep and figure something out?"
Which had the double benefit of shutting Adam up and getting Eve made - a creature who by her constant nagging would shut Adam up for good and guarantee that God would almost never ever visit Eden again.
But back to the heart of the matter: so God, being the party of the first has accused Damned Eve being the parties of the second of deliberate, willful sabotage of the universe known as 'God's Creation' through the mechanism of illegally picking, biting, masticating and swallowing two fruit-like devices integrated into the so called 'tree of life' system at the center of the Garden of Eden demo center in direct contravention of God's stated policy which both Adam and Eve as createes of God acceded to in their creation agreements. Did I get that right? I'm not much at church legalese.
Now Adam and Eve readily confess that they did in fact pick, bite, masticate and swallow said devices and that as God's createes they were enjoined from said picking, biting, masticating and so forth. In their defense they argue that because they are - like the rest of the Garden of Eden demo center and indeed the rest of God's Creation - createes of said God, that as a matter of law their actions do not constitute sabotage but are in fact the result of negligence by the Prime Creator or one of his sub-creators.
This is an epochal, well really multi-epochal charge. Because if true, it means that God has the biggest freakin' case of product liability on his hands in the history of the trial bar. Or liability insurance for that matter. If in fact it can be shown that the perfect God created an imperfect creation then it can be easily shown that this was a willful, malicious act by the perfect God. Because if a perfect God creates an imperfect Universe that means he must have done so deliberately and therefore under standard product liability law is liable for treble damages for anything that goes wrong in creation. Suffice it to say the trial lawyers are oiling up their writ-writers for a profitable suing season.
Indeed, top legal analysts have looked at this case every which way from Sunday and even on Sunday which isn't technically done and say that the only way that God can 'beat the rap' so to speak is to assert that despite representations to the contrary that He is not in fact perfect.
Which informed observers tell me would literally be a Hell of an Admission. Here is part 3: The Trial of the Multiverse or Loopholes are for Lawyers.
*One of the other 'oddities' about the Creation is Eve. How is it that God didn't think of Eve up front? Why did Adam have to go all mopey and make little lamb eyes at the ewes before God realized that an Adam needed an Eve? That doesn't make sense if creation was 'perfect' until us lowlifes showed up and trashed the joint. It does however explain how Eve got her name: Ewe - Eve, see? Eeeeeeeuuuwwwwww.
No comments:
Post a Comment