The Wisdom of the Tcks

I've finally figured out what Tck means: Third culture kid! So you already knew, big deal - give yourself a medal and go away so I can revel in my...revelation. Tcks  (no, not ticks) are kids who grew up in countries and cultures different than those of their parents. These kids suffer from the confusion generated by the various conflicting social norms that they've 'sorta kinda' learned from whatever grab bag of socialist kleptocracies, infernal theocracies or itty bitty Euro nanny states that they've had the misfortune to spend their childhood in. For example it's vitally important that when you go to your very first day of your junior year in high school in Bartlesville, Oklahoma after having grown up in the Muslim world to keep straight where it is (was?) considered normal for boys to hold hands with boys and not girls and where it's just the opposite. Screwing that up on the first day of classes can ruin your whole high school career lemmetellya. Or which culture considers it OK to go to Walmart in your sarong and flip flops and in which culture that outfit gets you chased down the automotive aisle by whooping cowboys. And it's always important to remember that while in some cultures three men squatting on the floor and talking is just a conversation it appears to other cultures as if you're having a three way poop in your pants party. I dare you to explain that one to an Oklahoma High School Vice Principal for Discipline - it can't be done.

But thank God that I've been diagnosed with Tck and that it's an official condition or syndrome or something because now I have an honest to gosh Good Excuse for why I am so socially verklempt (note the artful juxtaposition of the Teutonic Saxon with Anglo Saxon - that's something than only we Tcks know how to do well).  So from now on wherever I go, no matter what stupid stunt I pull I've got a "get out of idiot jail free" card: "It was the third cultures wot dunnit!" Which is a load off my mind because all these years I just thought I was a moron.

As a matter of fact, I am so grateful to be diagnosed with Tck (sometimes known as Chevy Chase syndrome due to his brilliant culturally inept performance in European Vacation) that I want to "give something back to the community that mocked me for so many years".  I want to show all the mono culture 'cats out there just what it's like to experience two or in my case four or five (depending upon what you think of Canadian) cultures in Dolby surround sound. To that end I propose that we Tcks initiate the following educational series:  I call it "The Wisdom of the Tcks" an occasional series of helpful tips to keep in mind when you travel to a foreign culture. We hope that by sharing what we've learned at such great social cost we can help others avoid the pratfalls, stumbles, whoops and bloomers that make Tcks the watchword for clueless goofs the world over.

So to get the ball rolling I have written the very first, inaugural edition of  "The Wisdom of the Tcks":

What is the most important phrase to master in your host country's language before you travel to a foreign culture? More important than Mon nom est Billy Bob, quel est le vôtre ? because frankly,nobody in France gives a shit what you call yourself - you tourist scum. And more important than knowing that when the mustachioed Maximum Lider offers you "uno mil" to come back to the Presidential Palace and see his Echaverria-ings he is not offering you a million dollars but a thousand pesos which will probably just cover the price of two Happy Meals but only if you get a good price on Ebay for the free toys they come with.

Indeed, this phrase is so critical and failure to master it is potentially so catastrophic that you not only need to know the right words and pronunciation and be able to say it in a really emphatic present emphatic tense but you also need to do so with the authority of someone "To the Manor (kampung, barrio, triad, whatever) Born" to ensure immediate, unquestioning obedience to your demand.

I am of course referring the essential and timeless:

I have diarrhea.  Take me to your toilet. NOW!

'Nuff said.