Fruity Color Cactus Promoter: Yeah, bitchin' innit?
Me: No, seriously WTF are you doing to those cacti?
FCCP: I paint 'em different colors so they'll go with people's towels and sofas.
Me: But why?
FCCP: Well to be frank, Mother Nature just wasn't gettin' the job done. I mean hundreds of species of succulents and they're all green. Bore-ing.
Me: Does it hurt the cacti?
FCCP; Dude, they're cucumbers with pricks, get over it.
Me: It must be hard to get the paint just on those little tips.
FCCP: Yeah but we've got half of China working it so no problemo.
Me: Who in their right mind would pay money for painted plants?
FCCP: You got me, I just work here...
Me: Any plan for patterns? Stripes, polka dots, paisley?
FCCP: Sure. Our artistry is not constrained by either ethics or good taste. You want it you got it. We are not proud.
Me: Do you ever wonder whether your life has any meaning? I mean painting cacti garish shades of orange and chartreuse is kind of pathetic and tacky isn't it?
FCCP: Hey buddy, this is America! The rest of the world is counting on us to do the weird new things that nobody else is willing to do. And when you denigrate Desert Gems Colorized Cacti for being "stupid and tacky" aren't you just putting down creativity? And when you put down creativity aren't you really bad mouthing the most creative place in the world: America? Well I for one will not stand here and listen to you put down the United States of America. Not on the fourth of July.
END OF INTERVIEW
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